I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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