I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Even my vagina gasped.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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