A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
