Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
