i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
