Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
