Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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