I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
