At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
