No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
