The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
