Taylor Swift is so right about you.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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