i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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