How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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