just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
