You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
