I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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