Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
