I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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