I'm drive I can fine osifer
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
