My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
