Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
