i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
