Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
