i think my tv is drunk
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
