where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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