Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I don't deserve a penis
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
