I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
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