The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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