i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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