Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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