in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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