I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Randomize
