yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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