so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
