So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
