Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
