Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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