i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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