Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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