after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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