I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
