Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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