i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
