This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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