Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
