My underwear smells like fireworks.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
