Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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