Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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