the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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